Thursday, January 3, 2013

Soon to be As Seen on TV

Caution:  The following post may contain material too graphic for young children who don’t need to know that dogs poop.

Throughout the course of history, many great men have gone under the radar, in particular in the times before radar was invented, which brings me directly to the point right here in the very first sentence, inventions.  But before I stay on point, a few things need to be said.

Behind all of these great men, to which I referred in the first paragraph, was a woman.  Not necessarily a great woman, although most of them are (right dear?), but rather a woman who had that expression on her face, the one that’s a cross between pity and disgust.  Most men know this expression well, having seen it nearly every time they select clothes to wear, or breathe.  Some men misinterpret this look as simply a “what a doofus” signal, and then give the shirt thing another shot.  I would suggest that those men take another look at Alice Kramden.

And another thing: Inventing doesn’t come easy, and minor details often get overlooked.  Sometimes a brilliant idea is underappreciated and the inventor never sees the recognition he deserves in his lifetime.  I cite as examples: 1) the guy who invented the speed bump and 2) the inventor of that little box and chain thingy you have to put a quarter into so you can shop in a supermarket.  They both overlooked the same minor detail – people will hate it.

So what have we learned?  Actually not very much at all, so now would be a good time to get the kiddies out of the room because I’m about to describe my most brilliant invention to date (although tomorrow is another day).

When inventing, which is usually while you’re waiting for something else to happen, the first thing to consider is “What problem am I trying to solve?”  I’ve given this first step a lot of thought, nearly forty minutes actually, and here’s the problem – dogs poop.  Most people prefer that this “event” occur outside, on someone else’s property, during an eclipse so nobody notices.  Unfortunately eclipses are rare, and neighbors have a nasty habit of noticing crap (double entendre), so you have to clean it up, which implies by implication, that you must be present for this “event”.  It might be dark (preferable), or raining, or cold, or during a rerun of “The Honeymooners” (don’t forget to look at Alice with your new eyes).  Wouldn’t it be great if the dog could attend these “events” alone?  By the way, it became safe to let the kiddies back in the room four sentences back (now five).

Unfortunately, unless you live alone on an island with said dog, you can’t just let him/her/it out without a) a leash and b) you on the other end of the leash.  And so I offer my invention (which I believe is now protected by copyright at least, since I’m describing it in a post I’ve written myself on my personal blog which you can’t even legally quote from without the express written consent of Major League Baseball) for your consideration, crowdsourcing and pre-ordering.  Editors Note: that last part after the “)” goes with the first part that appears before the “(“ and can be found several lines back.  You may continue when ready…

It’s this bubble thingy which keeps the dumping dog dry and levitates about an inch above ground by means of several hair dryers that had their heating elements removed (you can buy a heated version if your animal is special and might get cold, which leaves the heating element in one of the dryers (nested parenthetical goes here – if you need the heated version, you might also want the one with rhinestones, available at no additional cost, just pay separate shipping and handling) and even one that dispenses dog treats) (end of parentheticals – actually this is one, too).

I know what you’re saying, or at least I can tell that your lips are moving right about now.  This bubble thingy (working name – “iEvent”) has many indispensable features that address all of your concerns – I’ve thought of everything!  Here’s a partial list:

·         Electronic leash that can keep the whole thing from chasing cars, other dogs etc. and automatically makes the unit return to the docking station.

·         Docking Station.

·         Air sensors that detect “events”.

·         Powerful Lasers that in response to and Air sensor alert, completely obliterate the (kiddies out) poop. (kiddies back)

·         Optional mister that dispenses our patent eligible “Eau de Wet Dog” upon docking (similar function to pine scented candles that you use because you have an artificial tree).

·         Two-color shipping box, suitable for framing.

I admit there are a few minor wrinkles to be ironed out (The preliminary stages of inventing an invention wrinkle remover have just begun).  I’m going to need about $5 million to see this through to production, Lasers are expensive.

Sometimes my dear wife gets that look, too.  I say the “Chef of the Future” was ahead of his time (not a double entendre).

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